Are you finding that your life is speeding up and you are feeling lost and out of control?

Are stress and worry taking over?

The U.K has the longest working hours in Europe and in this age of austerity and social media, it is very common to become overwhelmed.

April is stress awareness month and maybe it’s time to do some ‘spring cleaning’ to evaluate and re-balance your lifestyle. This blog will look at the different types of stress and how to manage some of its effects.

Most people will experience stress in their lives, which is normal but it may be useful to examine the levels of stress and the length of exposure. Stress is often labelled as the ‘silent killer’ and if left unchecked can severely affect mental health in the form of anxiety and also physical health, which can manifest in heart disease and high blood pressure.

Different Types of Stress

Stress is not always a negative thing and is a part of everyday life. The adrenaline response can help us in intense situations, for example in competitive sports. This can be seen as positive pressure and is healthy.

Acute Stress is defined as stress brought on by a specific situation such as trauma or a loss (e.g. relationships, work or bereavement) and will usually pass if worked through.

Chronic Stress is the enduring of stressors over a long and excessive period; this prolonged fight or flight response will drain your energy and can lead to panic attacks, compulsive obsessive behaviour and depressive episodes.

 

Signs of Negative Stress

• Sleep difficulties

• Loss of appetite

• Poor concentration or poor memory retention

• Performance dip

• Uncharacteristic errors of missed deadlines

• Anger or tantrums

• Anti-social behaviour or violence

• Emotional outbursts

• Alcohol or drug abuse

• Nervous habits

 

The Maslach Burnout Inventory is a helpful tool online where you can self-report your feelings across the three main domains of burnout:

1. Emotional Exhaustion: when you feel constantly over-extended in your job and out of your comfort zone all the time.

2. Depersonalisation: when you stop caring about what your colleagues or customers think and just come in to do a job and go home again.

3. Personal Accomplishment: when you stop finding the job rewarding; when it feels that you are no longer closely connected with the role or influencing the work.

 

How to Cope with Stress

I think the most important thing is to realise you are under too much stress and then to accept you can help yourself. Making small changes can go a long way. These are some of the most important self-help recommendations:

• Leisure – A brisk walk in the park will reconnect you with nature and help you gather your thoughts and release positive endorphins. Have you considered going for a massage or joining a gym? Classes such as Yoga or Pilates are very good to practice focusing on yourself.

• Diet – Cut down on refined foods, sugar and caffeine and increase your intake of fruit, vegetables and whole foods.

• Sleep – A good-quality night’s sleep is very important and can improve mental functioning.

• Relaxation – Finding a safe, quiet and relaxing place to cut off can be very conducive to well being. Taking deep breaths is very important for our relaxation and calming the mind.

Overall any change you make where you feel more relaxed afterwards will help. For most people, this is a process of trial and error. As long as you are taking an active role in changing your lifestyle then this attention can help you feel more empowered.

Feel free to contact our counsellors at Hertford Counselling Service who will be happy to help you with more advice regarding stress-related issues.

Last Tuesday marked the end of this year’s baby loss awareness week.

Unfortunately in many ways, it would seem that infant loss is still quite a taboo subject and therefore bereaved parents may find it hard to talk to family and friends about how they are feeling due to a fear of upsetting them. For some, the traumatic details of what you have been through are just too upsetting for them to hear. 

Parents of an infant who has died, either through stillbirth or neonatal death may need or benefit from being able to talk to someone about their whole experience without fear of being judged. 

Any kind of bereavement is of course upsetting to those that are left behind, but the loss of a baby seems so much harder to accept when such a young life is taken. So many can be affected by this devastating loss. 

Mum 

For the mother, who has carried the baby inside her and felt the baby grow, move, even form a little personality of their own, made plans for their future, looked forward to making memories to then suddenly have all of this taken away can feel unbearable.  And if the baby has died whilst in the womb the mother has the daunting task of having to give birth to that baby, while not knowing how they will look, or as a mother how they are going to feel.  

The trauma may continue, to have to say goodbye to that baby, and to leave he or she at the hospital, and to not be leaving with a car seat and the precious cargo and as you walk out you are surrounded by proud parents doing just that. Once you arrive home, you have the nursery to face, a room that you have spent time preparing, clothes and toys, arranged neatly. And of course, there is the physical side, mum had a bump and now has no bump but no baby.  Their milk may come in, their body may have changed and may have other physical signs of giving birth that may be painful and will need time to heal.  

 

Partner 

The other parent of this child also had an exciting future to look forward to, suddenly shattered.  They have also had to deal with watching their partner, having to go through childbirth.  This of course can be a very stressful experience for a partner at the best of times but if it is known that the baby has died this must add to the trauma.  And they, of course, have the devastating experience of having to say goodbye to their baby too and to arrive home without their child.  A lot of partners feel they need to be strong and this can be a hard pressure to bear.  It may also be expected for them to return to work quite quickly, as they seemingly do not have the physical effects that need to be healed.  Again what pressure for the partner, to have to return to work, almost like nothing has changed.  

 

Grandparents 

The grandparents of the new grandchild will also have been excited, making all of the future plans, looking forward to making memories, but when that baby dies, they not only have to mourn this loss, but also have to watch their own children go through one of the most painful experiences anyone could go through.  Throughout their lives, bringing them up they have helped and advised that child on life events but when such a tragedy happens they don’t know how to help, what to say. This time, they cannot make it better.  

 

Subsequent pregnancies and children. 

When you have been through such a rare experience it makes you realise that these things do happen and this, in turn, can make subsequent pregnancies a very worrying time, as can giving birth, as you may have serious concerns that this could happen again.   

If in the future you are fortunate enough to give birth to a gorgeous, healthy baby that has arrived safely, the worry may then continue as that child grows up, and the parents having to try to manage the constant fear that something could happen again.   

Counselling 

Anyone affected by baby loss can benefit from speaking to a professional.  Through seeing a qualified counsellor, a bereaved parent can talk about their baby, without fear of shocking, upsetting or even offending who they are talking to.  Having the time and space to be able to talk through their experience, their feelings without judgement can help.  Some may need this soon after the death of their baby; others may not feel ready or able until many years after.

Adolescent self-harm

The Children’s Society conducted a survey of 11,000 14-year-olds in the UK. They were collecting self-harm statistics from the subject group and included them in the charity’s annual Good Childhood Report, which examines the state of children’s wellbeing in the UK.  The survey found that 22% of the girls and 9% of the boys responding said they had hurt themselves on purpose in the year prior to the questionnaire. These figures equate to more than a fifth of 14-year-old girls in the UK having disclosed intentional acts of self-harm. 

The definition of self-harm used within the group was: ‘when people hurt themselves as a way of dealing with difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences’. The physical actions include everything from punching or hitting to cutting or burning. 

The Children’s Society report said gender stereotypes and worries about looks were contributing to unhappiness. Rates of self-harm were worst (46%) among those who were attracted to people of the same or both genders.  

This report follows NHS data released this month that showed the number of admissions to hospital of girls aged 18 and under for self-harm had almost doubled in two decades, from 7,327 in 1997 to 13,463 in 2017. 

It is deeply worrying that so many of our young people are emotionally suffering to the extent that they need to physically harm themselves as a release or distraction from their psychological distress. 

This suffering is often felt to be shameful and kept secret, resulting in pushing others away and isolating the individual. These damaging behaviours can quickly become compulsions without developing more healthy ways of dealing with painful emotions. 

Things which adults can do to help a child who is self-harming: 

• Show you understand

• Really listen to what they are expressing

• Discover the triggers

• Build their confidence

• Show you trust them

• Choose who you tell carefully

• Help them find new ways to cope

How to spot warning signs 

Look for physical signs such as cuts, bruises, burns and bald patches from pulling out hair. These are commonly on the head, wrists, arms, stomach, thighs and chest. 

The emotional signs: 

• Depression

• Tearfulness and low motivation

• Becoming withdrawn and isolated

• Sudden weight loss or gain

• Low self-esteem and self-blame

• Drinking or taking drugs

 

Reasons for self-harm 

A person may self-harm to help them cope with negative feelings and difficult experiences, feel more in control or punish themselves. It can be a way of relieving overwhelming feelings that build up inside, to: 

• reduce tension

• manage extreme emotional upset

• provide a feeling of physical pain to distract from emotional pain

• express emotions such as hurt, anger or frustration

• regain control over feelings or problems

• punish themselves or others

The feelings or experiences that might be connected to self-harm include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor body image, gender identity, sexuality, abuse, school problems, bullying, social media pressure, family or friendship troubles and bereavement. 

Actions to help when you know that someone is self-harming 

It can be difficult to know what to do or how to react if you find out your child is self-harming. Here are some things that can really help:  

• Avoid asking your child lots of questions all at once.

• Keep an eye on your child but avoid ‘policing’ them because this can increase their distress and lack of control and add to the risk of self-harming.

• Consider whether your child is self-harming in areas that can’t be seen.

• Remember that self-harm is a coping mechanism. It is a symptom of an underlying problem.

• Keep open communication between you and your child and remember they may feel ashamed of their self-harm and find it very difficult to talk about. Here are some ways you could start the conversation:

• Talk to your child but try not to get into a hostile confrontation.

• Keep firm boundaries and don’t be afraid of disciplining your child. It is helpful to keep a sense of normality and this will help your child feel secure and emotionally stable.

• If you feel confident, you can ask whether removing whatever they are using to self-harm is likely to cause them to use something less sanitary to self-harm with, or whether it reduces temptation. This can be a difficult question to ask and if you are not confident to ask this seek professional advice.

• Identifying stressors and triggers; Talk through a typical day or upcoming events with your child. Identify situations that are worrying them and discuss how to best address these.

Keep supporting; As things get better and scars heal, we might begin to drift away. Try not to, this early recovery phase is sometimes the hardest part of all. 

Helping your child learn about alternatives; Work with your child to identify different ways of dealing with difficult emotions such as breathing exercises, music, physical activity, writing or art. 

Set aside time to let your hair down with your child, remember to enjoy each other’s company and have positive shared attention, you both deserve some fun together. 

Seek professional help. Your child may need a risk assessment from a qualified mental health professional. Talk to your GP and explore whether your child can be referred to your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). 

Discovering and responding to self-harm can be a traumatic experience – it’s crucial that you seek support for yourself.  It’s natural to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, frustration and despair – but it’s not your fault. 

 

Helplines and services available: 

YoungMinds Crisis Messenger 

Provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK if you are experiencing a mental health crisis 

If you need urgent help text YM to 85258 

All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors 

Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus. 

childline 

www.childline.org.uk 

If you’re under 19 you can confidentially call, email, or chat online about any problem big or small 

Freephone 24h helpline: 0800 1111 

Sign up for a childline account on the website to be able to message a counsellor anytime without using your email address 

Chat 1:1 with an online advisor 

The Mix 

www.themix.org.uk 

If you’re under 25 you can talk to The Mix for free on the phone, by email or on their webchat. You can also use their phone counselling service, or get more information on support services you might need.  

Freephone: 0808 808 4994 (13:00-23:00 daily) 

YoungMinds Parents Helpline 

Call us for free 0808 802 5544 (Mon-Fri 9:30 – 16:00). 

Harmless 

Information, blogs and resources for people who self-harm and their families 

Email support: info@harmless.org.uk 

Youth Wellbeing Directory 

Lists of local services for young people’s mental health and wellbeing. 

Youth Access 

Offers information about advice and counselling services in the UK for young people aged 12-25 years 

selfharm.co.uk 

Website with support for young people who self harm. 

Forum for parents 

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) 

Offers support to young men in the UK who are down or in a crisis. CALM is dedicated to preventing male suicide, the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. 

Helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (Daily 17:00-midnight) 

Webchat: www.thecalmzone.net/help/webchat/ 

Samaritans  

www.samaritans.org 

If you’re in distress and need support, you can ring Samaritans for free at any time of the day or night. 

Freephone (UK and Republic of Ireland): 116 123 (24 hours) 

Email: jo@samaritans.org 

 

 By Karen Richards

The pandemic is affecting all of us, but certain groups are being affected more. Young teenagers fall into this area with so much of their lives turned upside down.  The uncertainty that young people face with their social life, school and future is a breeding ground for anxiety and depression. 

In recent months, as a practice, we have been experiencing this more in young girls. This doesn’t mean it is not having similar effects in males, rather young males are less likely to reach out to seek talking therapy.

Of those displaying depression and anxiety-like symptoms, we noticed that not only our clients, but a high proportion of their friends are also experiencing similar feelings. Of course, you cannot catch depression from others but being around people with low mood is seemingly adding to and impacting the individual’s mood. This is not an unreasonable hypothesis as many are experiencing a similar environment and tend to stick within their bubble.

As you can see from this article, anti-depressant prescriptions are surging and whilst these certainly do have their place in responding to mental health challenges, are we trying to artificially fix something that is quite natural in the environment young people find themselves in? Are their reactions just part of a natural human response to the severe changes in our environment?

At Hertford Counselling Services we have four experienced therapists who work with teenagers and young adults – please feel free to contact us if you have concerns or are having experiences with your teenage children similar to those raised in this blog.

Following the Second World War, an American physician and psychoanalyst called Carl Rogers developed an approach to working with individuals and groups which differed in tone from what had come before. He believed in being deeply interested in individuals, holding them in high regard and building a trusting, honest connection. He saw clients, not patients and he did not believe he had the monopoly on wisdom. It became known as a ‘Third Way’ in psychology. It felt very different from the cliched image of an inexpressive analyst interpreting the thoughts of a patient laying face-up on a sofa. Rogers described his work as Person-Centred, but over time, many related approaches developed under the general banner of Humanistic Counselling.

Humanistic Counselling became increasingly prominent in the second half of the twentieth century. Unlike Psychoanalysis (which grew out of the work of Freud) and Behaviourism (which was largely based on interpretations of observations of animal behaviours), Humanistic approaches did not present the therapist as the expert. The relationship between client and counsellor (Rogers’ choice of name) was one of equals. The client held the greatest knowledge of their own psychology whilst the therapist was skilled in facilitating, rather than in diagnosis and treatment. Instead of matching patients to categorised behaviours and states of mind and providing solutions, Humanistic approaches were focused on helping the client to make sense of their own unique narrative and to explore solutions to their ills. Clients made the choices and took responsibility.

Whilst they have over time developed distinct characteristics, all Humanistic approaches (and there are many!) still share a view of therapy that relies on, and feeds from, the experiences and feelings of the individual.​

The origins of Humanistic counselling

The humanistic counselling approach has its origins in the European philosophy of phenomenology, where each person’s unique experience is believed to shape the way, they see their world. Perhaps the most influential academic psychologist for the humanistic tradition is Abraham Maslow (1908-1970). Maslow saw humans as having inherent biology and human nature which is neither good nor evil and a desire for safety, security and belonging. When all of these conditions were in place, he believed it was possible for people to achieve a position of ‘self-actualisation’, by meeting one’s potential and achieving a form of personal enlightenment. Maslow represented his ideas in a famous Pyramid of needs, beginning with basic biological requirements such as food and drink, moving through to psychological needs such as belonging and self-esteem and reaching a pinnacle with self-actualisation. Where individuals were blocked on their journey towards self-actualisation because their needs were not being met, this for Maslow was the cause of anxiety. It follows then that the purpose of counselling/therapy is to help reduce anxiety by working with a client to remove the barriers to growth and self-actualisation.

From theoretical psychology to counselling

Carl Rogers built on and adapted Maslow’s thinking. He suggested that the basic desire and drive in humans was an ‘Actualising tendency’, so rather than self-actualisation being a goal, he redefined it as an ongoing process. As a metaphor, it’s rather like the difference between achieving a dream and having the ongoing ability to dream.

For Rogers, relationships were crucial to healthy development, and they had a significant effect on self-esteem. For a healthy self-concept (which is similar to the idea of self-esteem) to develop, an individual needs to experience positive regard with is not conditional on behaving a certain way or achieving particular goals. Where this is not present, the individual can end up feeling unworthy and rejected. Importantly, without a positive self-concept, the individual cannot truly express their actualising potential, so may end up feeling unfulfilled and directionless.

The solution to these problems, as Rogers saw it, was at once simple and difficult to achieve. He wrote that therapists should not be looking for any cure to emotional problems but to provide a relationship that can be used for the client’s personal growth. The role of a counsellor was to offer non-judgemental, unconditional positive regard to clients. They should listen and observe carefully to try to understand their client’s experience as best an outsider can and also demonstrate to the client that they empathise with their situation. Finally, the counsellor should be congruent, which is about being honest and consistent about feelings in the therapeutic relationship. This last point is really important, as Rogers saw that a product of living up to the conditions placed on receiving the regard and approval of others is that individuals often behave in a way that is not true to themselves. There is a disconnect between their inner feelings and outer expressions and behaviours. This is a source of anxiety and discomfort. The counsellor should model congruence, showing the client through the way they conduct themselves that such a state is possible, acceptable and desirable.

The core conditions

In many ways, Rogers took a solid understanding of psychology and psychotherapy and stripped it back to a very basic set of principles, which exist in most humanistic traditions to this day. He called this offering the ‘Core conditions’ to a client. He actually identified six conditions needed for effective counselling, but the three central conditions were and still are unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence.

Our Counsellor, Andrew, works with us in Humanistic Counselling.