Reflections upon grief and loss

 

The Japanese writer Haruki Murakami wrote that “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it” and his insight is ever present, in the therapeutic space of a counsellor’s room.  Many client’s decision to first see a counsellor is in response to the crippling loss of a loved one.  Still, more are surprised to discover, that despite their best attempts to repress past feelings and move on, unresolved grief is at the heart of their current, apparently unrelated, difficulties.

 

Soon after I first qualified as a therapist, I was asked to meet with a young, five-year-old girl – Serena* – and it was Serena that taught me much of what I now know about loss.  Serena was referred to me because her behaviour at home had become unmanageable and she was finding it increasingly difficult to attend school. It appeared that everyone was concerned about Serena – she was angry, disruptive, and clearly desperately unhappy.  

Serena was a bright, imaginative, and energetic little girl, who had, in the first five years of her short life, experienced more loss and death than many adults might experience in a lifetime. Of particular tragic significance was the recent, sudden, and unexpected death of Serena’s maternal grandmother, followed shortly after by the death of her aunty, after a prolonged and devastating illness.  In addition, soon after both deaths, Serena’s father was sent to prison for a long, custodial sentence following a violent assault.  As adults, we often try to deny the impact and painfulness of death by using euphemisms, a tendency which is used with even greater alacrity when talking to children; thus Serena had been told that her loved ones had “passed away” or “gone to a better place” and that they were now “in heaven” or “with grandad” or “with Juno (her pet dog), or “gone to Jesus”.

 

Serena’s mum, desperate to maintain her daughter’s love of her father, could not bear to tell Serena that her daddy was in prison. Instead, she explained that daddy had “gone away for a long time, but that he would write to her occasionally”.  Serena’s mum had nothing but the best interests of her daughter at heart, but her words proved particularly confusing. If daddy had gone away and would be writing to her, why would her grandma or her auntie not be doing the same?  Had she done something wrong, or something to upset them?  To Serena’s young mind, the loss of her father was as confusing and disorientating as the loss of her aunt and her grandmother.  Serena’s mum, paralysed by her own grief, was barely available physically or emotionally to help Serena navigate what was happening in her life and Serena carried the injury of her losses alone.

 

When I first started working with Serena, she was very wary of me (was I yet another adult that would prove to be unreliable?), the loss of our loved ones can leave us anxious about letting others get too close, in case we lose them too.  However, with time, Serena began to trust in the consistency and reliability of our sessions together; she began to believe that I might be a steady presence who might help her navigate her turbulent emotions.  Serena needed to know that there was someone who was willing to sit alongside her, to witness and join her in her pain and her confusion, without trying to make her feel better or to distract her from her feelings.  She needed to be given an opportunity to do the work of grieving and as her therapist she eventually put her trust in me, that I might accompany her on her journey. 

 

Once Serena gave herself the permission to release her grief and feel her pain, it was clear why she had been so angry, unhappy, and disruptive.  Our natural tendency is to avoid those things that make us suffer, but ironically it is often the things that we do to avoid our pain, that eventually damage us the most.  Children of Serena’s age tend not to have the cognitive and verbal ability to communicate thoughts and feelings in words, but they are wonderfully capable of play.  Through the process of play, Serena was able to communicate her unconscious thoughts and feelings; particularly those feelings and experiences that seemed too painful for expression. 

 

The process of grief is not a linear process; there is a myriad of different routes along which we might travel, in our experience of grief.  Whilst there will always be areas of commonality – questioning our assumptions about life, experiencing and expressing our anger, remembering and internalising our loved ones – grief is always unique to each person.  Serena’s grief was explored through the metaphor of role-play.  Each week, she gathered together a cast of Duplo, Lego, and Playmobil men, women, and children, all of whom were given names such as mum, dad, nana, aunty, grandpa, etc.  Each week, the characters of her drama would be carefully placed in a circle around the edges of a sand tray that I kept in my consulting room.  Each session, a new narrative would unfold in the centre of this circle of people, as she buried a chosen character under a mound of sand reminiscent of a grave, which she then decorated with stones, gems and toy flowers.  Week after week the scene would appear to be the same, but something subtly different would always happen.  Often, the buried character – sometimes for example, mum or dad or nana – would lie beneath the sand and those surrounding the ‘grave’ would weep, Serena howling like a cat or a dog to illustrate the enormity of their grief.  At other times the buried figure might suddenly emerge from the sand to the joy and happiness of the collected congregation; or the figure might stay buried in the sand, whilst those around speculated about what might have happened to their loved one – had she gone to heaven or was she still somewhere nearby, close to them?  At other times, both the emergence, and the non-emergence of the buried figure would bring anger from the cast of onlookers, as they berated the buried figure for leaving them.  Serena particularly identified with a Duplo character who had the same hair and eye colour as her, and this girl was often the figure that was buried in the sand, as Serena contemplated her own mortality and reflected upon what people might say if she were to die.  After all, if her nana and aunty could die, might she die too? 

 

Being a witness to Serena’s play was intense, painful and moving and I often worried about whether she would be able to re-enter the world of home, school and childhood after our sessions.  However, the more Serena was able to express her confusion, anger, fear and sadness, the more able she was to reconnect with her mum at home, return to school, and begin playing with her friends.  The expression of grief, no matter how painful, is the process that we need to go through in order to adjust to, and re-enter, the world in which our loved ones no longer exist.  Perhaps in the final analysis ‘Pain and death are a part of life.  To reject them is to reject life itself’ (Havelock Ellis).

 

*All names and identifiable characteristics have been changed to ensure the anonymity of the client.

 

Blog written by our Counsellor Tracy, who has over 20 years experience working with couples, children and young people.

 

Carers

 Writing this now is something I hoped and wished that I hadn’t had to experience ‘acting’ as the role of carer.

I use the word ‘acting’ as it’s incredibly poignant, mostly because at times when I was caring for my loved one, watching the slow deterioration over time, the physical pain, the fear in their eyes, looking for answers, answers which are impossible to provide, was the most painful thing to witness.  To avoid that pain being projected onto my loved one, to keep them feeling safe, to avoid the feeling of becoming a burden, the only way I could avoid that was to ‘act and perform’ at times to remove my emotions and insecurities from being obvious.  This challenge was incredibly hard, sad and emotionally draining for me.  So, I became good at ‘acting’, holding back my tears, fighting them back on very little sleep was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  To eventually crumble at the end of the day or when my loved one was sleeping.

The support needed for the carer is not to be underestimated, for the carer to be able to provide the care for their loved one, whether it is medical, practical or emotional support, the carer also needs a level of support to enable them to be strong for their loved one.

The fear is no doubt within the one who is sick or dying, but that fear is also within the carer, the enormity of witnessing the situation change each day, and at times hour by hour is draining, adrenalin is often the only way through to keep going.  Caring for someone you love or care for is rewarding, tiring, physically and emotional but the closeness and bond is something that would be hard to describe.

Unconditional

Blog written by our Counsellor Stephanie, who has experience working within bereavement support and couples counselling.

 

Inner Critic – what is it and how to calm it..

 

A common theme that arises with clients in psychotherapy is the inner critic.  Other names for the inner critic maybe the judge, the superego or critical self-talk.  You may feel you are the only one that experiences this punishing voice in your head however, it is something we all have and is part of being human.  This blog describes what the inner critic is and helpful strategies that may help you reduce it.

 

What is is the inner critic?

The inner critic is an internal voice that often judges, criticises and diminishes our self-worth.  It may sound like:

·         “you’re not good enough”

·         “you’re going to fail, why bother”

·         “everyone else is better than you”

The voice often originates from early experiences or cultural messages that stress high expectations. Over time, we can internalise these judgements and they become part of how we evaluate ourselves.  The inner critic can be based on our core beliefs or, fear – fear of rejection, failure or, being accepted.  Under times of stress, the inner critic can appear even louder. 

 

Why do we have an inner critic?

 

The inner critic often starts as a protective mechanism. At some point, it may have served a purpose by trying to keep us from harm, embarrassment or, mistakes. Whilst it may have started like this, the inner critic often becomes overbearing, limiting our ability to grow and cause emotional distress.

 

Research suggests that people with a strong inner critic are more likely to have experienced harsh judgments, ridicule, and a scarcity of positive feedback during their childhoods. These experiences and judgements can be from a variety of relationships growing up – parents, teachers, siblings or, peers. In addition, societal, cultural and work expectations can amplify these self-critical tendencies, forming a complex interplay of influences. 

 

Impact of the inner critic

Left unchecked, the inner critic can impact our mental health and contribute to other psychological issues including anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  The frequency and harshness of the inner critic can impact people in a powerful way and can be debilitating. Self-criticism is considered to be among the most common and destructive stressors in our lives. It is important to start recognising and understanding our inner critic so we can learn to soften its severity and quieten it with understanding, compassion and practice.  It can be hard to disengage from our inner critic on our own, especially during times of stress or, when it has become an embedded habit. It can help to discuss your inner critic and work with someone, such as a psychotherapist, to learn to notice it and to understand and disengage from it.

 

What you can do to quieten your inner critic

If you have been listening to your inner critic for a long time, you may feel it is impossible to change. There are practical steps you can take to reduce its power. Below are a few approaches that may help:

 

·         Become aware of your inner critic

o   Begin by noticing your inner critic. Pay attention to the words it uses and the tone. Does it sound like anyone you know? When is it most active – at work or, social settings? Awareness is the first step to understand how and when your inner critic shows up.  It can be helpful to notice and feel the pain of the inner critic not only in your head but in your body too.

·         Separate yourself from your inner critic

o   Your inner critic is just one part of you; it’s not your entire self. Try to create some distance by trying to observe your inner character as a character. You might give it a name to emphasise its separation from your true self. This simple act of distancing can give you a healthier perspective.

·         Challenge your inner critic

o   It is important to remember that not everything your inner critic says is true!  It can often exaggerate, be negative or catastrophise so you need to learn to challenge it and sense check it. Ask yourself, is that really true? Can you find examples that prove otherwise? Practicing challenging our inner critic can weaken its grip.

·         Practice self-compassion

o   A good technique here, is to imagine how you would talk to a friend in the same situation. Would you tell them they’re ‘not good enough’?  Show yourself the same compassion and kindness. It is not about ignoring mistakes or, shortcomings, but responding to them with gentle understanding instead of harshness.

·         Shift our mindset

o   The inner critic tends to reinforce a “fixed mindset” where we believe our abilities are limited and unchangeable. Try to develop a “growth mindset”, where setbacks are viewed as opportunities to learn.  Can you reframe how you see a situation? If your inner critic says “you failed at that task”, reframe it to, “this was a challenge and I learnt something that will help me improve”.

·         Engage in mindful practices

o   Mindfulness can help you observe your thoughts without judgement. Through meditation, deep breathing or, taking time to check in with yourself, mindfulness allows you to be aware of the inner critic without being overwhelmed by it. With practice and time, you’ll be able to notice negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledging them and letting them pass rather than letting them take over.

 

It is unlikely you’ll ever eradicate your inner critic however, with time and practice you can learn to disengage from it and turn down the volume on that harsh voice.  By changing your relationship with your inner critic, you enable greater self-confidence, resilience and a healthier, more compassionate way of being.

Our Counsellor, Emma.

 

Why do we find it difficult to manage uncertainty?

Uncertainty is a natural part of life but for many, it is also one of the most uncomfortable experiences. From waiting for exam /medical results, to job instability, the uncertainty and unpredictability of relationships. This uncertainty taps into our deepest fears and vulnerabilities.

We can find this difficult because at our core we are wired for survival. Our brains are constantly scanning our environment for perceived threats and uncertainty is perceived as a potential threat. When outcomes are unknown, we lose our sense of control, a key ingredient to feeling safe and secure. Feeling unsafe and not secure can trigger stress responses, including anxiety and overthinking, as our minds attempt to prepare for every possible outcome and situation, even the worst case scenario.

Psychologically, we prefer predictability and certainty. This allows us to plan, set expectations and make decisions with confidence. When the predictability and certainty is removed, it can create a gap, one that many people fill with assumptions, catastrophising and a lot of overthinking. This mental effort often worsens the stress rather than soothing it.

Uncertainty challenges our identity and goals. If we don’t what’s next, how can we move forward or define success? The can lead to paralysis or impulsive decisions made out of fear rather than intention. This discomfort of uncertainty is universal but it is not insurmountable. Learning to tolerate the uncertainty or not knowing, through mindfulness, reframing, and making small changes can transform it from a source of fear into an opportunity for growth.

After all, while uncertainty brings risk, it also brings such possibilities.

Our Counsellor, Bronwen, works with us, bringing families into a safe space.

 

Easing sleepless nights using Yoga Therapy

Yoga Therapy to ease sleepless nights, sleeplessness affects everyone from time to time. If you’re someone who has issues or ‘hang ups’ around sleep or perhaps feel you feel you do not have good quality sleep / enough sleep, it can be easy to become caught up in a self-perpetuating cycle of negative rumination about heading to bed and the lack of of sleep you are getting. In some people, overtime the mental rumination can turn into a level of anxiety about going to sleep, or even fear that you won’t be able to sleep at all, or that you’re certain you will wake up in the night. It becomes a cycle and source of huge difficulty in helping us rest.

This is where yoga therapy can often help.

Yoga therapy offers smart solutions for interrupting disruptive sleep cycles and unhelpful thought rumination. As through yoga therapy, we look at the whole person and not just the issue sleeping. During the sessions, your yoga therapist will gain a picture of the individual’s life and their habits from morning til night. They will view them through connecting layers of what makes us human; for example, the persons body, how and where they might be holding tension and why. They will consider the way they are breathing and if there are breathing patterns that are impacting the nervous system to be either calm or alert. They will also explore emotions, including any deep seated or recent emotional situations that may be causing emotional dis-regulation.

Additionally, enquiring into the mind, specifically the thoughts or subconscious thoughts that are keeping them up at night, and finally, they a gentle enquiry into the person’s level of contentment in life. In our sessions together, we then look at the different yoga therapy interventions that are needed to help that individual flourish and be in their optimal state to achieve a good night’s rest.

How can yoga therapy help?

With a plethora of practices in the yoga tool kit to help, the easing and soothing effect of the practice is what sets this therapy apart. The key is in the practices offered to the individual, as not all forms of yoga are appropriate for improving sleep. For sleep, it’s important to soothe the hyper-arousal of the nervous system which if over active as we lay down at night, can contribute to disrupted sleep. During a session you might experience varying practices. Some physical postural stretches utilising particular release work on key fight and flight muscles, along with down-regulating breath work and mindfulness practices tailored to the person, are excellent ingredients to help someone drift into a naturally induced sleep. If you find that your someone whose mind is overactive before bed, or that you’re waking you up in the night, you might also discus the feelings and circumstances of your thoughts so your therapist can offer you a practical tool kit to help calm and soothe those mental fluctuations.

One of yoga therapies crowning health benefits is its magical ability to activate the rest and relax part of the nervous system called parasympathetic nervous system. This resting and relaxed state is highly important to help us move out of and to not remain in the feelings of anxious or fearful when it’s time to sleep. Therefor, together, we will gather a picture of you and your needs to help resolve the root causes of your lack of sleep and guide you on a different path to feel more at ease when it comes to bedtime using yoga therapy tools to light the way.

Our therapist Paula, works with us in Yoga Therapy.